Whatever.

When I was little, about 7 or 8 I LOVED gymnastics. I mean LOVED it. All of my binders had gymnasts on them and I would spend hours pouring over library books at my elementary school. I'd trace the girls mid pose in a back handsprings and could think of nothing else. I took gymnastics for a while in my small town. I found that I could bend in crazy ways and I was rather good with balance, especially on the beam. I learned how to do handsprings and flips and back walkovers and aerials. When I would go to school, at recess, I would do flips and hand springs and cartwheels all over the field. I wanted to be in the Olympics... and my hero was Nadia Comănec (I had old encyclopedias). I was so happy doing these things- and I wasn't bad either! One day my best friend decided that I was a show off; That the only reason that I did gymnastics was because I wanted everyone to watch and be the center of attention. Systematically, one by one all of my friends decided that I was weird a braggart and a showoff. I remember spending months crying and not understanding why everyone hated me and no longer wanted to be my friend. It was like I had died, no one would talk to me at school and they'd make fun of me within ear shot. My mom would try and comfort me and tell me that sometimes kids were cruel.

For me, it meant that I needed to hide what I really loved doing... that a sense of pleasure to me was a source of scorn in others. I was rejected wholly and completely by every friend I had. Since that day I've never been able to let myself be excited about anything... to be too enthusiastic means eventual rejection by others when they think whatever you love is stupid. I stopped doing gymnastics and became an introvert. I would draw but not show anyone- I was also good drawing but found it to be a much easier thing to hide. That pattern has sort of repeated since I can remember. I don't play games, I don't dance, I don't sing- I won't even try. I have a mortal fear of looking stupid. I have a little 7 year old me running my life.

Anyway, today someone made me feel like I was once again 7 years old. I wanted to share my silly 365 day project with people I like. People that I thought would find chubby mermaids somehow amusing and sweet or even empowering. People that I like despite whatever station they might hold in my workplace. I wasn't fishing for compliments or trying to further some stupid agenda- it hadn't even crossed my mind. I am drawing mermaids. Something that literally makes me smile and laugh while I draw them... something that is truly giving me joy. Unfortunately it only takes a few words to conjure up a 7 year old emotions and make me want to quit. I don't think I will. I had a good cry and realized that the people that matter are the people that WILL think a year long chubby mermaid project is perfectly awesome.

This mermaid is me.